chompybadger's Journal

In and out the dusty blue bells.
Went to tell kids at old work Im leaving today (left already tho).At break.
Before I had the chance they began to tell me their problems.As usual this stopped me feeling sorry for myself-see previous entry. They reamed them off.
When I told them...harsh. I shook them by the hand, hugged them back and told them they were great and so forth.
Some said they'd chain me to the school so i wouldn't leave. A couple cried. When they held on to me...
one even squirted water over me. I told one chap. He got into a fight 5 mins later and i had to physically hold the other boy back.
It sadened me to leave them and i already miss them. What was even sader was how much these kids need someone to listen to them. Someone to fight in thier corner. So many kids really do slip through the net.
I wanna go back and tell them i didn't mean it. I felt sick when i said it was a job helping other kids that need help too. Like these one didn't matter.

It was the one ( i say one but this kid has been top priority in my work for a while) that went really quiet that got me. I took him out of class and we drew pictures for each other. I drew us playing football together, smiley, sun shining and a tree with purple blue and red leaves. I drew his 'helping hand' in the corner so he didn't forget what to do in crisis. He drew us skate boarding down a hill. I 'nicked' him a school jumper to take home.

A bottle of wine is waiting for me. I musn't let it go cold.

JK was so cool unlike me at the moment.

I want to move to Brighton with my brother.
Things keep get fucked up in mk. Everything thing i touch fucks up. I am a destructive son of a bitch and ruin fucking everything.

In context with shit it's understandable, I am therefore only to be understood in terms of shit.

My boy said ' I love your cooking'. Poor bugger. Although nutritionally balanced the food is boring as this crappy rant. I cant even be arsed eating my own food at the moment.

I'm going to fucking bed.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: pretty hate machine

Ry loved his first day back at school! He sang all the way home!

Great first day fro me too. My boss is lovely. Most of the Team have immediate likable qualities about them which is fab. Can't wait to get stuck in. There still a winy bit of me thinking all this is incrediably grown up. Still 20 hrs!! Am loving this ride man! Meeting heads from my allocated schools next week. V. nervous as i'm on the other side now. Expectations are much higher. Still during training realised I actually know a lots of stuff so boosted confidence.

Went to mediation training. The 'laughter lady ' was there. She runs her own buisness running workshops about laughter. Jeeze. We made a lot of silly noises. Still she was very cute, despite gold nail varnish. I don't like gold. Now silver thats my kida thing.

Oh yea...saturday. When the cute 17 year old girl went to kiss me -i said 'nah I'm too sweaty'. The truth was after already dirty dancing with her i felt sleazy. Still managed to pull a couple of guys. I wasn't interested tho. Didn't even get off with them. Just did not feel like it.

Was great fun watching Zig and co at work tho. Most of the club gapped, took pictures and tried to join in. The three girls together were unbelievably hot.

xx

Current Mood: excited

Recent invention-a chewing gum bin for useage in car, but could be quite handy in a handbag. All you need is one tictac box, and one sticky label which you can decorate at will.

Evalution-chewing gum sticks so after the 6th piece of chewing gum things get messy hence needing to replace 'bin' regulary.

Recent forgotten/lost thing- bra to change into at the gym. After the class finished and i had showered no bra. I asked several people 'have you seen my bra?' in case it had dropped out. No one had. I then asked the receptionist if any one had handed a bra in. They hadn't. So i went braless. I asked my naked instructor if i could away with not wearing one, she replied ' no you have nipples like mine she said' meaning they stuck out...well like two small stones in the snow.

Two spiders have found refuge in my sports bag so far. I even brought one to my 'body pump' class. I screeched when i got my 'sweat towel' from the bag,and it lept off, then asked a sweaty man if he liked spiders. He then killed it. Must have been all that adrenaline pumping around his fit body. Um um.

Felt really faint over the last few days. Have momentarily passed out several times...

I tried on a pair of trousers in a shop today. I asked Ry and Zig what they thought and ry said 'you look like a donkey' and them 'wagged the security tag at the back. Ah moments like these.

Films starting...

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: 'everyday I love you less and less'

hill.
A hill has disappeared in MK. I went to visit the hill today and now it's gone. Everything else surrounding it looks the same just a little more over grown. Where the fuck has 'my' hill gone. Admitidly it was only a small one. On top of the hill was where i tried my first cigarette (not counting the one my Dad let me try when i was 5 years old).
Am very confused.

I'm off to see Jamiroquai this Weds. Should be a laugh.

I'm bored. My new job has postponed me starting until Monday as opposed to tomorrow. Was all geared up for it in all.

Had my hair cut and dyed yesterday-I'm dark now.

Had a cup of tea.....lololololololololololololololololollollollololooolololoooloolweweweweeweweewweeeeweeweeweweeweeweweweweeeweweeweew splat.....

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: storm

Manchester-cozs wedding bash: was brill. Me coz was glad to see us there.
I, undeterrd by the horde of 'performing arts' ex students, got up and started to boogie. Only our family danced and my sister was paid a fiver to do it en all! I did pull tho-whilst struggling to remember why my Aunt was sat in between my legs in front of a hundred guests, a good looking ginger man sat behind me and showed us what to do. Lean to the front then back then pat the floor and clap. He touched my waist after and lingered there. I then saw my grandma. Fear-i then searched for Ry to save me, as ever he was up for some attention, good old boy.

Grandma strikes again and again...
G:' you took the biggest slice of can't and can't even finish it'.
Me' they were all the same size Grandma'
G 'yea, i bet'.

oookkaayyy.

Must finished book now.

Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: An alien sound from my cupboard-freaky

o/off will my connection to the internet world ever be reliable again?
Oh tried to do meme thing but some dudes bandwidth is being an arse. arse.

despite working my arse off at gym (only a little bit of my real arse has been lost but not noticeable to the untrained eye- i can clench it real high tho-real high-almost as strong as shelf! In fact i can rest a pint glass on my bra-ed bosom-a party trick if you will- i might try the same with my arse) i am still hopping happily mad when i discover secret elastic waist bands that are on trousers that do not look like they have elastic waist bands, hence the secret part.
Brought a pair today.

on and off with capital letters...who am i to nagg ryan to no write his name 'RyAn'.

A nine years old did what i couldnt do in approx 10hrs of my prob solving wallace and grommit playing life. i feel so accomplished right now.

Just ate a cheese and maggie sandwich.
Ry is cool. I said to him 'whatever... talk to the hand' when he was annoying me and he then took my hand and addressed it 'hand...' twas funny.

think i'm slightly like brenda off six feet under-not physically mind you.

Current Mood: blah

how shallow can you go!
My tan wants to go :(. I am trying to convince it to stay by lavishing it with baby oil/moisturisers but it looks determined. Still worse things happen at sea.

Worst film in the world: 'Sizzle beach USA.' Selling point; 'hot sand! hot bodies! hot Costner!
None of the above were true, even the sand didn't look hot. This film was the worst waste of £2.99. All I wanted was some medioka porn. I have been feeling incredibly horny recently. Can't be arsed with real shag-and yes like most women a shag is only two breasts away- so having shag a defo poss.
Hoping porn may help cease cravings.

I really really really ache.(from the gym).

Cant think of much else. I almost started to write a log about the 'black' kid with no skin pigment and the deaf boy, all in one park and the white boy who spat on a black girl. I recommend anyone go to fullers slade park. It's truly hypnotic.

Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: doff doff

thanks rach for the top-gave me the edge i needed! love u xxx
I got the job!

Over the moon. I got the job despite not being able to string together a coherent sentence in the first few minutes. eg ' what are you skills blah blah....' My response 'er,er, loads really, I can communicate well- except in interviews'

Warmed up 3 questions in. I'm glad I memorised Legislation and numbers of subclauses etc. This highly impressed the man interviewer particularly. In fact he said 'thats the best answer I have heard all day with regards to that question'. 3 people interviewed me in all.

Coolist question asked 'How do you feel about prosecuting people?' that rocked!

So chuffed. Told my line manager(the one I adore) over the phone. I made her convince me that she would'nt call me a bitch after I put down the phone. She took it well despite the hassle it's gonna cause for her. I still hope to work there part time and finish the projects I started. She was pleased for me tho.

Should be an interesting day tomorrow.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: adverts

Nine Inch Nails gig. One of the best of my life and the best night I have had out in at least 2 years. Still gushing.

***

Just had mad panic up until 7 mins ago. I couldn't find my nice looking folder with all my qualifications inside to present at the interview tomorrow. The whole shianagon (go on MMT or Rach correct/interpret that one) has left me concluding that I really SHOULD finish unpacking.
I did find it. I reckon it might be a tad more professional if I removed my 'Watership level 1 certificate' achieved in primary school.

***

Zombies-fucking hilarious. Loved it.

***
Butterflies:
On Friday a yellow butterfly splattered on my windscreen whilst zooming on the A5. The blood from the yellow butterfly is still smeared across the window screen. The bastard stuff wont come off despite 8 window cleanses.
Adding to the dismay two more butterflies and one dragon type thing also succumbed to my death-seeking car. I like butterflies (not keen on their supernatural blood tho). They are pretty and make the world even more beautiful. When a 5th one was in line for being splattered I slowed down. Not wanting to be responsible for yet more casualties. The butterfly survived and adding further to my delight, I pissed off the escort driver behind me who did not understand the nature of my slowing down. Today was a good day.

***

My mate came to MK to stay. We watched 'Birthday Girl' and chin wagged most of the night. Today we took the kids to a Roman activity day. The children made mosaic clay pots. Watched hot armoured men with spears and coloured in pictures of centurion helmets.
I got sun burnt.
I discovered that the Romans reused the same sponge (on a stick) to wipe their arses on and that their version of a flannel ( yea! flannels!)looks like one of Freddy Krueger's finger nails but metal. None of this scrubbing exfoliating lark. They scraped themselves clean. They were not particularly clean when it came to their houses though. Apparently they used to burn toast to help cover up the smell. Next time my mates burn toast I shall immediately become suspicious. I hope they don't burn it in my flat.

J
***

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: wind

NIN!

NIN- live in London! I am soaked with anticipation..no drenched.

NIN... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brain update... I don't care... NIN!

(Brain is finding peace- slowing down...simple little simple thoughts...less chaos, more coherent love). Seriously tho, my consultant doctor dude tells me greek stories as I am coming out of hypnosis type stuff. Very cool.

Job interview on Monday. I would almost sell my sofa to get this job and i love my sofa.

Fuck it NIN!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: NIN -Halo Fourteen-left

Finally the beginning of the end. I am formally crazy.
Three days ago the consultant psyc. diagnosed me with having 'severe posttruamatic stress disorder'. So for years -my inability to handle strong emotions, over reactions, self harm, depression,anxiety, nightmares, sleepless nights to name a few- have all been due to this mental illness ( i am officially come up under the disability act).
My brain reacts in a 'flight and response way' and my connections to my neocortex to be able to process these reactions 'normally' have been severed by pattern matching etc. I think thats the gist of it anyway.

The point is I am finally going to receive treatment. And hopefully soon I shall one of the lucky ones -reasonably sorted.

Their putting me forward for 'Rewinding technique'-changing my bodies reaction to the traumatic events. I'm going ask if they can help me with the whole spider thing as well!

Apart from my Mum threatening to section me-i am feeling pretty fucked up. Yet at least now I am slowly starting to see and end to my crap. So postitive logic fighting through things I have not wanted to deal with - which promote suicidal thoughts etc. I guess that's part of the disorder.

I am so scared.
My body has now respond to the stress by giving me a handsome cold. Cheers.

Well on go battles. I have a angel to be strong for.
(My consultant said I was highly intelligent and determined. Who would have guessed eh.)

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Bob M-best of.

grob
Well. I am off ill. I don't know what I've got , if anything. I just feel weak. Annoyed at work people. I think this is revenge ill. Everyone laughed my fear off when I ran into the office screaming 'Can someone get this spider crawling in my jacket which is now on the floor please'. No 'we're eating lunch'. Thank you, bunch of wankers.
Within minutes I had decided I was ill and fucked off home. I think my inability to control my thoughts and feelings had a lot to do with. Not sure how many people I pissed off today. I came home, drunk wine, then fell asleep. Then went to get my son...feeling much more refreshed. We went to tesco. I brought a cream draining board.

My self induced black eye has almost vanished. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I love the panda look myself. I also am attracted to tired looking people.

film ...away with ye.

I'm going to see The' Kylie' in concert this friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't wait. Even more excited than Enimen.
Also got planned to see NIN. Wow!!!!

********

On Sunday in Costa in Ottakers with a couple of mates, Ryan finds a 'Baby' book. He finds the delivery photos. 'I came out of your vagina Mummy'. Smiles received from people queuing behind us. Pictures of baby in womb. Me 'You were in my womb. You kept kicking me saying let me out'. Ryan replies ' Yea. I said lets go down that secret ally way through your vagina'. I spilt my diet pepsi man. You had to be there to truly appreciate that one.

Had cosy picnic at cambell park. All of us got smeared in sheep pooh. Twas fun.

*******

Went to back to work. I comforted a crying kid and bribed her to assembly by letting her sit with the teachers and I on chairs. It worked. She stopped crying.
I made demands to boss.

I avoided going to the staffroom because I was fed up of smiling. I hid in my office cutting out rain drops for my 'cool down anger' display.

Got an urge to hide tomorrow. What I actually want is to be found. That's profound. I feel a poem coming on or a song. bow bow wow.

My tadpoles are growing so big. I've got about 25+. I am completely hypnotised about them. Much more than Ry. Their great ravenous little fuckers. I love them. If I could be arsed i would hold a farewell release party. We would sing ' Goodbye sweethearts' and I would buy a special hankie (for the first time in my life) for tears shed.

I'm off to look at them right now.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Raindrops keep falling on my tadpoles.

I am not an underdog.
So... dog shit all over the new cream de la cream carpet. I got a flash back to one of many of CT hating dog rants.
I like dogs most days. Not today. I called one a wanker today as it barked at me through a fence making me jump with fright onto the road.
I hate dog drool. Nothing to do with today. Just felt like adding that one in.
Meh (that's an oldie by now).

I feel a lot lonelier in this flat. It might be something to do with the fact that I'm a whole floor higher from the ground. Or more space. Or the fact I can't hear my neighbours shouting at each other and playing loud music. Dun know.

Happy thoughts: I have plenty of socks and a chilled bottle of wine.

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Washing machine/Bob Marley

Extract from dream. In a new flat in a block of flats. Look out the windows. A body falls down and lands on top of tree about one metre away from my window. He is a wearing dark jean and a red chequered’ lumber jack’ shirt. ‘What the fuck?’ I internally exclaim. I examine him. He is very dead. I am staring at a corpse. ‘But I’ve never seen a dead person before!’ I look at the balcony below. There lies another frozen corpse. Someone peers in. Watching me watching them. Horror. I run. I hide below window view in another room. I pull the phone down to me and phone the police. Address etc… ‘ There are two people that have fallen from the top of the flats’
Operator: ‘Are they dead’.
Me: ‘Yes’.
Operator: ‘ Oh we already know. Two people have been murdered. You’ve come through to the wrong number if you just phone the ‘suspicious death information line’ that would be great. Thank you for your call’.

The horror man has found me.
More running. Flashback to murder scene involving repairing of kitchen and dismembered limbs.
More staring at dead people.

I then manage to momentarily wake myself up to escape the fear. On return of sleep I dream my dad is moving to MK and out viewing a flat. I am eating.
Hazy. Now. More weird dreams. My glands in my neck are aching from the stress

Need to pump iron.

Current Mood: nervous

My computer cuboard is cold and creepy.
Well tis over a week now. I have only a few boxes left to unpack but they are cunningly hidden away. I finally got round to sorting the computer out tonight. Feeling rather accomplished.
Cream carpet in living room. Spiders galore. Didn't hesitate yesterday. Whacked one with the T.V remote control. Disturbed by blood. Cringed the whole way through clearing up process.
The spider got revenge: had the worst nightmares ever last night.
May resort to having a hammer under the sofa in anticipation of future acts of violence on the mini death lords with far too many legs who make my life harder than it needs to be. Arseholes. Fucking fuck.

I have my own room. Such a pleasure. Reading in bed and falling asleep to music. I shall never take these privileges for granted.

Starting to feel all deep ...mush intervene with computer games...
Billy Elliot..just thinking about that film makes me cry...
Games. Power rangers here I come.

Current Mood: and appreciative
Current Music: moran ubundance of smells.

boy oh boy.
Well the end is nigh for my current ubode, for soon I shall be entering the world of 'personal space'. Our very own two bedroom flat. We are moving all the way to the estate opposite.
I can now shag in my own bedroom, not that I'm shagging at the moment. Anyhow...back to the vodka/diet coke/ice and packing more shit.

Sonce i'm spending more time moper time deleting what i'm wriyting than keeping it i shall piss off.

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: That posh detective and common bird.

After being prompted by a presenter on t.v, Ry brings me breakfast in bed. At 7.22AM I open my eyes to be given one whole tomato and a chocolate penguin bar laid out on a Shrek joke book. He explained he was too little to make me cereal or toast.

He unbelievably rocks.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

Hello
Pancake day: 4/16 were edible. An improvement on last years chaos.

Valentines day: My lovely loud lady will be in New York. One of the presents i have given given her is a pair of Valentines socks which she must wear that day. All day. To remind her that she can walk all over me any day.

Work: I have been trying to convince an alcoholic that she needs to take vitimans. Great fun. Not a kid by the way. A parent.

Today: The boss cadgily gave me money to buy the staff cakes. Fucking fanatstic. I brought them amost impressive choice of scumptulous treats and ... a Dennis Watts (Eastenders) calender. Ha! No-one expected that. I put it up in the staff room much to the delight of at least 39% of the staff.
I rock in teacher land.

And one time: I once accidentally ordered 100 typex's instead of 10 for use in a small office.

Must dash. Free bozz awaits.
Bozz? Booze.Snozz. and scud.

Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: Farts

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